Since my computer is STILL in the monkeyfrickin’ shop, I’ve been using Lucy’s little laptop to perform the barest minimum of online duties. It’s hardly Lucy’s to begin with – she used it when she was 4 to play some Boowa & Kwala games, spilled yams on it, and hasn’t really touched it since.
All of the emails I’ve been sending are stuck here on the desktop, one of which just caught my eye. A good, wonderful friend was bemoaning her lack of self-confidence, how she believes it may have thrown her into terrible relationships and kept her dong things she should have quit years ago. She imagines a world where she might go back in time, and fix this part of her. Here’s a bit of what I wrote back:
As an annoying person, occasionally I have to remind certain people that my flaws are not separate from who I am, they are part of everything I do, and that includes the good stuff. In my case, I can spend days not appearing to do anything, forgetting to do basic household stuff, forgetting deadlines and staying up too late going down “research” rabbit holes with no apparent relevance to anything we’re doing. It sucks, and it’s no fun for the family when I sleep in too late.
But then, occasionally, I will save our ass in a meeting with a high-level exec because I happen to know a bizarre amount of detail about their personal passion, which is because I spent one night, months before, looking at maps of every Class IV, V and VI whitewater rapids in the country AND I HAVE NEVER GONE WHITEWATER KAYAKING.
although it looks awesome
Even better, one tidbit in this mountain of daydreaming and free-association “study” will germinate into an idea that becomes a script that eventually pays for our health care.
Granted, I can already see the eye-rolling and the ways this can be twisted to justify any sort of laziness, and it runs the risk of becoming precious, yes, yes, I know. And this doesn’t mean shit like “if I don’t do heroin I won’t be a rock star.” But the larger point is that anyone’s flaws could be considered part and parcel of their best features.
You might look at your “lack of self-confidence” as something that has served you in good stead, maybe even helped you in the past. Call it something else, perhaps… it’s not “lack of self-confidence” but more a desire for love combined with trepidation. Consider your flaws like baker’s chocolate; gross by itself, but delightful in a mousse.
It’s okay to try and fix it if you’re constantly annoyed by it – I have also truncated my habits and now get up hours before I used to – but the next time you get angry by your past confidence issues, just remind yourself it’s not a bug, it’s a feature.
I suppose my question to you is… do you agree with this in principle? And if so, what is your flaw, and how is it part of something wonderful in you?