Tessa and some of our friends went to a ladies-only function this morning with the amazing Kirsten Gillibrand, and while it was by all accounts a rousing success, apparently things fell apart – LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO – during the Q & A session. Inevitably, a couple of women got up to the microphone with no intention to ask questions, but merely to blather ad nauseum while the rest of the room died a million deaths.
I have no doubt bitched about this before, but THESE KIND OF PEOPLE RUIN PUBLIC EVENTS. I’ve seen it happen every time even a slightly famous person allows questions from an audience that ought to know better. Invariably, some motherfucker with an agenda hijacks the auditorium and begins to spew his/her unique brand of half-baked bullshit – holding hundreds of people hostage, wasting the time of a public figure who has none, and guaranteeing no actual questions get asked.
It got so bad at the UCLA series (especially during the Mary Oliver reading, when a guy had to be booed out of the building) that they wisely spared Neil Gaiman the misery, only allowing questions to be submitted in writing, and then vetted mercilessly.
This is what it has come to, you lard-throated blowhards: you have ruined spontaneous public discourse. We can no longer ask questions of our cultural leaders because someone didn’t pay enough attention to YOU during kindergarten, and you need to Hold Forth on your beloved belly button.
Let me tell you what “Q & A” stands for; it stands for YOU FUCKING SHUT UP AND LET SOMEONE ASK AN ACTUAL QUESTION AND LET THE SPEAKER ANSWER, RATHER THAN AFFLICT ME WITH WAVE AFTER WAVE OF STUPID FEELING.
Still having trouble with this one? I have provided an easy-to-use Clip-N-Save™ list of The Top 10 Things Nobody Wants to Hear From You, just in case you feel the urge to start pontificating. I’ll go in reverse order of intensity:
10. Why you’re not racist
9. Shit you did in college
8. Nagging health issues
7. Your trip to the Far East
6. Your Spiritualism, Explained
5. Cat stories
4. Anything after the fourth minute of your soliloquy
3. Last night’s dream, in detail
2. Something cute your kid said incorrectly
1. Holding forth during a Q & A session
I hope that clears everything up!