good ol’ american know-how


I have been felled by yet another sinus infection (because of a deviated septum suffered at the hands of an unruly trashcan circa 1999) and was prescribed those li’l steroids by my ENT doctor. En route to the drugstore at the corner of Rose Ave. and Main Street in Venice, I dropped my iPhone while walking from the car, and kicked it into the storm drain.

I should clarify: I drop-kicked it, 1925-football style, so goddamn hard that it sailed thirty feet about knee-high to the pavement, bounced thrice, and skittered down a storm drain across the street. It happened so fast that the crowd of homeless dudes sitting in front of the drugstore didn’t even see it.

Stunned, I walked over to the sewer, looked down, and saw my phone about six feet below street level, just sitting there with a calendar alarm going off. No tool could possibly reach it, the manhole cover was held on with safety screws, and it was threatening to rain.


my Carolina blue phone is much farther away than the picture suggests

So I did what any red-blooded American iconoclast would do: I invented the MoronPole 4002™! Yes, the MoronPole 4002™ may look like a seven-foot dowel rod with a piece of moulding screwed to it, then topped with velcro… because it is! Thank goodness I only lived 6 blocks away, because it took five backbreaking minutes to build it.


Drop-kicking your phone into a sewer thirty feet away is no longer something that can ruin your day! Simply velcro the industrial-strength pads together, stick one side to the pole, and then use the other side’s sticky back to fetch whatever ails ya. Yes, you could use double-sided tape, but trust me… that shit’s weak, and THIS WORKS.


$1.27 in parts, the MoronPole 4002™ was too good not to share with the world, so I’m selling it at a slight markup at fine retail outlets everywhere. “Just Pole It… And Git It Back!”©


0 thoughts on “good ol’ american know-how

  1. Tanya

    CLEVER!!! by the way, are you SURE it was threatening rain?? Pics show some pretty blue skies with lots and lots of shadows caused by sunlight… ;) Here I am analyzing photos again.

  2. Ian

    Well, there were clouds comin’ over the mountains, and if it rains anywhere west of Hollywood, all the water comes gushing down to the beach sewers en route to the ocean, and the weather turns on a dime here at the beach, and, um, it added needed stakes to the story!


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