i yiff for the lulz

12/11/11

To be filed in the It’s All So Awful I Can’t Turn Away dept., many of you may have seen this email from an investment banker named “Mike” to a would-be maiden (“Lauren”) after an allegedly-horrific date they had to the New York Philharmonic. The note first appeared on Reddit a few days ago, which (as internet boards go) has a typically honest clientele.

The letter is egregiously stupid-feeling-inducing, especially given his enumeration of why they should go on a second date. Nuggets abound, like “You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation…” and “On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.” And then he talks about money, and her age, and… It’s All So Awful I Can’t Turn Away.

new-york-philharmonic_2011_show_130288808347.png.jpeg

scene of the crime

Needless to say, if you read the email, Mike seems to be surfing right down the middle of the Aspergian spectrum, and given my experience with the subject, that’s not a term to be thrown around loosely. There but for the grace of the Buddha went I, as they say.

My first reaction to this was “oh the horror”, putting myself in the shoes of the poor, obtuse dork who obviously had no idea how to behave, nor any translation mechanisms for the social cues that said “go the fuck away”. And if this guy was truly on that spectrum, he will probably just sit and suffer the humiliation without any real way of figuring out the rules, since they’re spoken in a language he only vaguely understands.

But then I was reminded of Rule 34 of the Internet, or more specifically, Rule 36, which states “If it exists, someone has a fetish for it. No exceptions.” Obviously, that’s meant for things like women’s shoes, nipple rings, blue cheese dressing, fireplace bellows, viola cases, toll gate coin baskets, and the Large Hadron Collider – but it also means there is someone else out there for “Mike”.

The internet itself upends the concept of celebrity and changes all games, meaning that Old Rule 16 takes over, and the immensity of the failure itself morphs it into a success. Simply put, the breadth and scope of Mike’s embarrassment ensures that his story will reach the right person for him, and perhaps legions of perfectly wonderful women will line up to be taken to the New York Philharmonic. They will twirl their hair, give him more than the requisite amount of eye contact, and maybe someone might actually live happily ever after.

5 thoughts on “i yiff for the lulz

  1. heike

    I’m medicated up to the hilt this week and don’t feel much of anything. That’s why it’s twice as exhilarating that you have me in tears with laughter. My favorite lines in the letter include “we’ve both very intelligent” and “People don’t grow on trees”… please heavens, let me enjoy this for a minute before the guilt kicks in that I’m laughing at this poor person’s misery…

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  2. Anne

    Mike sounds like some sort of “bot.” Sadly, I actually know one or two guys who could have written a similar letter. Borderline Asperger’s is my guess.
    “I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you.” Has he been reading the CorporateSpeak Manual? Help! Run, Lauren, run.

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  3. amy a

    i think anne is right about the borderline asperger’s. i do feel for the guy, in a weird way.
    but on another note, being a single chick…DO YOU SEE WHAT I’M DEALING WITH?
    a girl just can’t be plain polite anymore without it turning into cyber-stalking.
    *sigh*

    Reply
  4. Steve Williams

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    It is rather for us, the living, we here be dedicated to the great task remaining before us —that, from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they here, gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve these http://www.kwjenf3kwjen.net dead shall not have died in vain; that the nation, shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people by the people for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

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