up on the housetop, opossum paws


I shall keep this brief. I hate Christmas in Los Angeles. I am content to be called a precious little East Coast prep-school twat if it means not being here in December. For me, California can’t win; if it’s warm, that deadens everything awesome about Christmas, and if it’s cold, you wonder what the fuck you’re doing in California if it’s not warm.

The neighborhoods try to compensate for their lack of snow – and their utter lack of magic – by stuffing every animatronic Rudolph and Santy Claus they can find into their lawns, and festooning their gutters with rainbow sparkle lights. I give them points for trying, but as I have said for years, I’m a dick, and it only makes me long for the fjords.

Perhaps I was scarred by my post-parents’-divorce Christmases held in various Marriot Inns and Extended Stay America joints around West Covina, CA because of my mom’s job. We did our best with little plastic trees and cassettes of Xmas Favorites, but it always felt like masturbating with sandpaper.


note purple trees in background

My wife and daughter, who are better humans than me, never go this depressive route and choose to make the best of LA while we’re here. On Sunday, we went to the W Hotel, where they have a “skating rink” made out of Gliceā„¢, which is basically a synthetic oil laid onto particleboard. You can’t really go, you can’t really stop, and god forbid you fall down, which requires a trip to the drycleaners. You can achieve the same effect by stepping behind the register at the Krispy-Kreme in Raleigh.

Thank the heavens above we board a plane tomorrow for New York, where we shall be until the New Year dawns upon us all. The weather will be shitty, the ice needles will blast into my eyeballs, the traffic will be ghastly, and the nights will be unbearable, and I for one, will savor every minute of it.

3 thoughts on “up on the housetop, opossum paws

  1. Claverack Weekender

    Sorry to report it’s going to be in the 50’s in the city today. Hopefully there is some Christmas magic hovering over Columbia County.

  2. kevin from NC

    I LOLed at the Krispy Kreme comment.. but Ian you have not been there recently.. it has been completely remodeled but retains all of it’s melty, sugary goodness. Safe travels.

  3. GFWD

    It was 75 degrees in the ATL today. I wore shorts and a golf polo to my daughter’s holiday recital. Loved every warm minute of it.
    Merry Christmas to you and yours, Ian. Thanks for the gift of your blog about 240 to 250 days a year.
    Go Heels!

  4. Anne

    I started singing “White Christmas” (including the intro — “The sun is shining” etc. — while reading this. Welcome home to the Northeast.

  5. Joanna

    Like Kevin, I also LOLed at the Krispy Kreme comment both when I read it and also every time it popped in my head over the weekend. You have a way!


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