Tired of that clichéd Hawaiian vacation? Itchin’ for something new? We here at xtcian thought so, which is why we’re pleased to present
Sure, you could do things the regular way: hike mountains, go paddleboarding, catch warm aquamarine waves and have fun with your family… but why bother when you can JUST HAVE A FEVER for the whole thing?
Yes, getting really, really sick on vacation. Your first real vacation in years. To a place you’ve dreamed about since you were a child. Sound too awful to be true? Not if you do it the DADDO WILLIAMS way!
What? You were expecting this…?
HA HA HA HA! Nope! Instead, your Craptacular Vacation Package puts you square inside Daddo’s internationally-reknown Cave of Sadness™!
While everyone else in your entire family is out sea kayaking and giggling through adventures, we can guarantee white splotches on the back of your throat, and sleepless nights caked with green mucous! IT’S JUST THAT EASY!!!
First, you will inspire sympathy in your relatives. But watch how pity turns to recrimination, as they realize you’re just a motherfucking drag! After all, you’re sick all the goddamn time, so it must be something you’re doing, right?
Love hidden architectural gems? Get to know this secret nook – you’ll be spendin’ a LOT of time there!
But that’s nothing compared to the Deep Self-Loathing© you’ll encounter as you think back on the five different diseases you’ve had in six weeks. You’ll raise self-hatred to an art form, going completely scorched-earth batshit until nobody can stand to be around you. And only then will you look at the road ahead and wonder what massive battery of tests you’ll have to endure only to find out that nothing’s wrong.
What better place to contemplate that… than HAWAII?!?
Yes, Hawaii! You’ve just flown 2,650 miles into the Pacific Ocean to an island paradise. As we like to say, “It’s never too late for strep throat!® ”
Whaddya waiting for? READY… GET SET…. MOAN!!!