afrin, z-paks and snot rags not included

2/23/12

Tired of that clichéd Hawaiian vacation? Itchin’ for something new? We here at xtcian thought so, which is why we’re pleased to present

CoconutTreeBedSickness(bl).jpg

Sure, you could do things the regular way: hike mountains, go paddleboarding, catch warm aquamarine waves and have fun with your family… but why bother when you can JUST HAVE A FEVER for the whole thing?

Yes, getting really, really sick on vacation. Your first real vacation in years. To a place you’ve dreamed about since you were a child. Sound too awful to be true? Not if you do it the DADDO WILLIAMS way!

What? You were expecting this…?

HawaiiBeach.jpg

HA HA HA HA! Nope! Instead, your Craptacular Vacation Package puts you square inside Daddo’s internationally-reknown Cave of Sadness™!

KauaiBedroomHaw(bl).jpg

While everyone else in your entire family is out sea kayaking and giggling through adventures, we can guarantee white splotches on the back of your throat, and sleepless nights caked with green mucous! IT’S JUST THAT EASY!!!

First, you will inspire sympathy in your relatives. But watch how pity turns to recrimination, as they realize you’re just a motherfucking drag! After all, you’re sick all the goddamn time, so it must be something you’re doing, right?

KauaiBathroomHaw(bl).jpg

Love hidden architectural gems? Get to know this secret nook – you’ll be spendin’ a LOT of time there!

But that’s nothing compared to the Deep Self-Loathing© you’ll encounter as you think back on the five different diseases you’ve had in six weeks. You’ll raise self-hatred to an art form, going completely scorched-earth batshit until nobody can stand to be around you. And only then will you look at the road ahead and wonder what massive battery of tests you’ll have to endure only to find out that nothing’s wrong.

What better place to contemplate that… than HAWAII?!?

Yes, Hawaii! You’ve just flown 2,650 miles into the Pacific Ocean to an island paradise. As we like to say, “It’s never too late for strep throat!® ”

Whaddya waiting for? READY… GET SET…. MOAN!!!

0 thoughts on “afrin, z-paks and snot rags not included

  1. Neva

    Poor Ian. That sucks. Have you thought about getting your tonsils out? Also, I think you need a possible immunology eval to see if there is a reason you keep getting sick so often.
    Sorry to be butting in but I worry about you :)

    Reply
  2. Caroline

    I agree with Neva. I had a friend who got sick ALL THE TIME so I recommended she she my acupuncturist and now she hasn’t been sick in a year. I know a lot of people think TCM is bullshit but I know too many people who have had a ton of success with it. I think you should try it. It has to beat being sick all the time.

    Reply
  3. Lara

    Wow – that sucks on a whole other level. My younger daughter got strep the day before our trip to Mexico but recovered in 24 hours with antibiotics. I’m guessing you’ve already tried that. Easier to bounce back when you’re three, I guess.

    Reply
  4. Gina

    Sorry to hear it! It’s not “your fault”, but it seems like there’s SOMETHING out of whack- perhaps a food that doesn’t agree with your system, etc? I had a miserable summer last year, respiratory crap for 3 months straight after having 8 colds and 2-3 sinus infections in a year. Someone finally convinced me to do an anti-inflammatory diet (no red meat, no gluten, limited sugar, etc) and I think that’s made all the difference. I can breathe again!
    Certain foods can really up the SNOT factor in your body, which makes everything worse…. I’d urge you to look at those sorts of things; limiting sugar for enhanced immunity, etc? There are quite a few options to explore beyond mainstream medical…. good luck!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.