would you like the turndown service sir


I am writing to you from Provo, Utah – yes, that Provo, Utah – because Tessa is competing in the Adult Sectional Figure Skating Championships. I’m sure I have the name of that wrong, but you might remember her doing quite well last year, and this year she has some new tricks up her well-sequined sleeve.

She doesn’t actually wear sequins. Tessa is always stylish and gorgeous while still remaining in the ice dancing fashion milieu. But will other contestants be wearing sequins? Yes. Yes, they will.

But whilst I coop in the Provo Marriott Hotel, I do need to ask… why are hotels and motels designed so badly? I don’t mean the bedcovers, which are made ugly enough not to steal, but the basic amenities.

Allow me to give you three examples I experience almost every time I travel:

1. NO ELECTRICAL SOCKETS – Hotels in this country have been largely electrified since 1912. And for one hundred years hotels have not put electrical sockets in places where they can be used.


computer at left is charged by extension cord I BROUGHT running behind bed

Especially now, when so much of our lives are dominated by necessary gadget crap, the only way to charge your phone is to unplug the clock-radio or the various lamps shoved behind the nightstand. That if you’re lucky enough to have an outlet there.

More often than not, the outlet is behind the mattress under the headboard of your bed, meaning you have to risk shock and electrical fires just to surf the motherscratchin’ web. Which leads to…

2. HOTEL WIRELESS INTERNET BLOWS – I tried to load a 5-minute YouTube video for Tessa, and it stalled. She took a shower and did some light reading, and it still wasn’t fully loaded. A first-world problem? Sure, but a fucking problem nonetheless when your job depends on it.

And some hotels have a retractable ethernet connection that spins back into its coil, is only six inches long, and only works when you jiggle it. [insert “that’s what she said” joke here]



Neither Tessa nor I can walk into it, still shut the door, and use the terlet. Lucy did with some difficulty. And if you want to take a shower you have to walk into the shower itself and turn it on, using your whole body to brave the icewater turning to scalding plasma.

It’s just the little things, people. It’d be just as cheap and easy to do it right! Please come talk to me before you build any more mid-level hotels. Thank you.

0 thoughts on “would you like the turndown service sir

  1. litlnemo

    Which division is she competing in? It’s been more than a decade since my last adult ice skating competition so it’s probably completely different from when I was out there… but if you ever make it up here to Seattle, we should all go skating sometime!

  2. Emily D

    Have a great skate, Tessa! I’d love to see pictures & video of your program.
    I’m competing for the first time in 10 years in May… we should meet up at Adult Nationals sometime!

  3. kevin from NC

    I’m 6’3″…. why do hotel showers always hit me in the mid-chest? My back gets sore from stooping. And why are the ceilings dropped about a foot in the bathrooms?
    Have a good skate Tessa.

  4. wottop

    Stayed in 4 hotels in the last month.
    3 Marriott and the Animal Kingdom Lodge at Disney.
    All have wireless internet. You could connect to the wireless hub with few issues.
    Internet? Not so much. Someday soon, people will understand how a pipe works. If you don’t make it big enough, not much water will come out whether you have a big bucket connected to the end or not.

  5. Ian

    wendi, she’s in the Dramatic, Light Entertainment, and Free Skate competition of the Pacific Coast Sectionals, pre-Bronze category. Language that only you would understand on this blog, I’d wager…

  6. litlnemo

    I finally remembered to come back here to read your answer. :)
    I was in Bronze but that was because I tested in Bronze before the Pre-Bronze category existed. Pre-Bronze would have been a more competitive level for me! I didn’t come in last at Adult Nationals in Bronze, at least, so I was happy. :)
    I don’t remember Dramatic and Light Entertainment events — either those didn’t exist in the late ’90s or I have just forgotten. Which is not unlikely. I skated Free Skating. (I also did a little bit of old-style school figures but not in competition. I am one of the weirdos who likes school figures.)


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