i got the 8:15 shift at “tickle me silly’s”



Does anyone know a good joke? If someone held a crossbow to my head and demanded a joke, I have exactly ONE (1) joke in my arsenal, only because I heard my dad tell it at a dinner party around 1979. Here it is:

Jesus is nailed to the cross, crying out. Mary Magdalene looks up to him and says, “What can we do, my Lord?”

“Peter… Peter…” is all she hears Jesus say. Then John the Evangelist joins Mary Magdalene and asks, “My Lord, what can we do to ease your suffering?”

“Peter! Peter!” Jesus says, so John bids the witnesses to summon Peter, who had already denied Jesus after the Last Supper. With his head bowed and contrite, Peter comes to the crucifix.

“Peter! Peter! Come here!” Jesus says.

“Yes, my Lord,” he responds, and comes to Jesus’ feet.

“Peter-” Jesus says, his voice parched from thirst.

“Yes, my Lord?”

“I can see your house from here.”


You really do have to imagine my dad – the symphony conductor – telling it to a rapt group of orchestra musicians and board members after a half-bottle of Cabernet to get the full effect.

And I just looked, and apparently that joke is 163,000 other places on the internet – oh THANK YOU KNOW-IT-ALL INTERNET. But it remains the only one I can ever recall, and I supposedly write (among other things) comedies for a living.

So I put it to you? Do you know an actual story-based joke? No knock-knocks, or childish puns, mind you. Just a good simple set-up and punchline?

0 thoughts on “i got the 8:15 shift at “tickle me silly’s”

  1. Bozoette Mary

    You want jokes, sonnyeboy? Go here:
    A taste: Two old ladies are sitting on the porch at their nursing home. Sadie says: “Marcia, do you still get horny?” Marcia replies: “Sure I do.” Sadie asks: “Well, what do you do about it?” Marcia explains: “I suck on a lifesaver and the feeling goes away eventually?” Sadies thinks about this for a minute, then asks: “Who drives you to the beach?”

  2. Deirdre Hardiman

    But the childish puns are my favorite! Forgive my disobedience….what do you call a cheese that’s not yours? Nacho Cheese… Come on. You liked it.

  3. jersey

    This one always killed me – I am sure most of you have heard it, but just in case…
    A man and his wife are having sex when their 12 year old son walks in on them. The son screams “OH MY GOD!” and then runs out of the room.
    The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he’ll explain what was going on.
    A few minutes later, the father walks into his son’s room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams “OH MY GOD!”
    “Yeah” his son says. “It’s not so funny when it’s YOUR mom, is it?

  4. Just Andrew

    I liked this one well enough to post it to my FB wall last week. A good joke to be sure, but better because my friend that reminded me of it said it is his mother’s favorite joke, but she is unable to tell it because she starts laughing too hard to get the punch line out. Anyways, here goes:
    A traveling salesman stays overnight with a farm family. When the family gathers to eat there’s a pig seated at the table. And the pig has three medals hanging around his neck and a peg leg. The salesman says, “Um, I see you have a pig having dinner with you.”
    “Yes,” says the farmer. “That’s because he’s a very special pig. You see those medals around his neck? Well, the first medal is from when our youngest son fell in the pond, and he was drowning, and that pig swam out and saved his life. The second medal, that’s from when the barn caught fire and our little daughter was trapped in there and the pig ran inside, carried her out and saved her life. And the third medal, that’s from when our oldest boy was cornered in the stock yard by a mean bull, and that pig ran under the fence and bit the bull on the tail and saved the boy’s life.”
    “Yes,” says the salesman, “I can see why you let that pig sit right at the table and have dinner with you. And I can see why you awarded him the medals. But how did he get the peg leg?”
    “Well,” says, the farmer, “a pig like that–you don’t eat him all at once.”

  5. Elyse

    I heard this a few years ago at a public speaking class in Manhattan, no kidding. (Not G-rated.) But everyone laughed!
    Goes like this … there’s a traveling man, he comes across a farm, the farmer and his wife invite him in. They give him a nice meal, the traveling man tells them he can talk to animals. The farmer says okay. Traveling man goes out to the barn, comes back, tells farmer, I was just talking to the cow. Says it can produce more milk if you pull more gently on its nipples. Farmer considers it and tells traveling man, “You know, I think you’re right. Amazing!” Next day traveling man goes out to the barn, talks to the horse. Comes back, tells farmer he’s holding the reins too tight while plowing. Go easier and the horse can work harder. Farmer considers it and tells traveling man, “You know, I think you’re right. Amazing!” Next day traveling man goes out to the barn. Comes back, tells farmer, “I was just talking the sheep.” Farmer interjects and exclaims, “That animal is a liar!”

  6. noj

    there are lots of ways to tell the Horsecock joke, this is one of them:
    Two guys are driving down the highway on a road trip.
    One of them gets so bored he suggests playing 20 questions.
    The other agrees and decides to go first.
    He thinks and thinks and thinks for something that his buddy will never guess and finally he comes up with it.
    A Horsecock! “Got it” he says, “start guessing.”
    So his buddy ponders for a second and asks his first question..”Can you eat it?”
    A little puzzled and a little tickled, the guy replies, “Yeah..yeah I guess you could eat it.”
    And the man says, “Is it a Horsecock?”

  7. erica

    I am terrible at remembering jokes but yours reminded me of one.
    Fairy godmother is helping modern-day Cinderella get ready for the ball. Instead of turning the pumpkin into a coach, she turns it into a diaphragm. With the standard admonishments to be back by midnight when everything returns to its original state, Cinderella leaves for the ball. Midnight, no Cinderella; one o’clock, nope; two o’clock, nope. FInally at three AM, a rather bedraggled Cinderella returns. “I know you said be back by midnight but I met the most wonderful guy. His name was….Peter…Peter…”
    For the G-rated occasions, What did the ruler, the pencil and the eraser say to the tape dispenser on its birthday? SUPPLIES!

  8. Piglet

    So Big Mick Finnegan is walking along the path and he sees Paddy O’Toole in a bog, up to his shoulders in the muck, and Paddy, he says, “Help me, Mickey, I’m sinkin!”
    And Mickey says, “Sure an’ down’t ye worry, Paddy. Next to the Strong Muldoon I’m the strongest man in Erin, an’ I’ll be havin’ ye out of there in a jiffy!”
    And Mickey grabs ahold of Paddy’s wrists and he pulls and strains with all his might, but Paddy doesn’t move.
    After a few minutes of tugging, Mickey shrugs and he says, “Sure an’ I can’t do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone maybe, but I’m going to have to go get some help. Hold on an’ I’ll be right back.”
    And as he’s turning to go, Paddy calls out and he says, “Wait, Mickey! Do ye think it would help if I took my feet outa the stirrups?”

  9. CM

    I read all the “Truly Tasteless Jokes” books in 7th grade so I know way too many story-based jokes to pick just one. Outside of that, one of my favorite (mildly dirty, but not so so dirty) jokes involves a bit of pantomiming, so I’ll have to save it for someday.
    For all the kids, I always liked:
    Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
    He was looking for Pooh!
    I also made one up:
    Knock knock.
    Who’s there?
    Stan who?
    Stan in the place where you live…now face north.

  10. Eric G

    What do you call a short fortune-teller who just robbed a bank?
    A small medium at large.
    I’m here all week…

  11. mj

    “You’re scared? I have to walk out of here alone!”
    “You think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
    “Yeah, well fuck you, Clown!”
    I cannot legally provide more than the punchlines.

  12. cate

    Two muffins are in an oven, baking away. One of them turns to the other and says, “Whew! Hot in here, ain’t it?” The other muffin screams and yells, “AAAAH! A talking muffin!”
    That is my favorite joke of all time.

  13. eric g

    Duck walks into a bar wearing a hard hat, orders a beer. The bartender says “Holy sh–! A talking duck! What are you doing here???”
    Duck says “You know that apartment complex they’re building down the block? I’m laying the bricks. The foreman is a real bastard, though. He’s driving us so hard, we’re going to finish the job early!”
    A week passes, then the duck comes back in. “You’re here early in the day,” says the bartender. “Yeah,” says the duck. “I told you about that foreman. Now we’re done and I’m out of work.”
    Bartender says “Don’t worry! My buddy has a circus, and I told him ALL about you. You can start tomorrow!”
    Duck says “Circus? That’s one of those things with the big canvas tent?”
    “Yeah,” says the barkeep.
    “And metal poles?”
    “What the fuck do they need with a bricklayer?”

  14. neva

    no joke for you but just wanted to tell you I typed your blog website in and left off the t and thought I had suddenly entered a parallel universe where I had lost touch with reality. Rather shocking.

  15. Gina

    Did you hear about the time two antennas got married? The service wasn’t much but the reception was AMAZING!

  16. wottop

    A travelling salesman goes to Texas. He ends up in a hotel bar. He orders a martini.
    The martini comes in a glass as big as his head and olives the size of tennis balls. The bartender, noticing the salesman’s expression, says, “Don’t you know everything is bigger here in Texas?”.
    The guy ends up getting a very large burger and another martini before he realizes that he needs a pit stop. The bartender lets him know that the bathroom is down the hall on the right.
    Rather inebriated from the drinks, the salesman turns left instead, and goes through the door to the pool. He trips on the edge and goes in face first. Once he breaks the surface, he takes a deep breath and yells, “DON’T FLUSH IT!”.

  17. Summer

    What do Yoko Ono and Ethiopia have in common?
    They both live off of dead Beatles.
    How many feminists does it take to change up a lightbulb?
    Three … It’s NOT FUNNY.
    How many martyrs does it take to change up a lightbulb?
    Oh nevermind. I’ll just sit in the dark.
    What’s orange and looks good on a hippie?

  18. janet oh

    the floods came and ravished the village….a man sat on the roof of a floating house…..a helicopter came to rescue him and he declined…”god will help me ” he said …..the next day another helicopter came… again he said ” god will help me now go away “….the third day came and went….his thirst was great and he declined the blades once again ……seven days later he died and arrived at gods door ….” why did you not save me ” he asks ….” i did try….” said god “i sent you three helicopters (he/she/ rat cow frog tree whatever) said ”


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