not-so-fresh no more


I really do want to get to GFWD’s question, but seriously: which one of you sent me a tube of Fresh Balls lotion and commemorative T-shirt?


Let’s break it down to those most likely to have done so. This may seem like inside baseball, but you really do have to know how my friends work.


Scotty hovers oe’r Salem at the farm, 2004

1. Scotty Bullock – An obvious fan favorite, and inventor (or at least theoretical fancier) of The Nuttin™ (mentioned briefly here). The Nuttin™, of course, is the comfy, moisture-wicking cap made exclusively for your nuts. I believe we invented two versions: a lightweight sweat-deterrent Nuttin for those sweltering New York summers on the train, and a nice wool Nuttin for freezing winter nights.

Chances Scotty sent the Fresh Balls? It’s possible, but for an accountant, it’s always tax season, and besides – he has a newborn! I put it at 30%.


Jamie and me, New Orleans 2003

2. Jamie Block – He was there for the Nuttin’s birth at my bachelor party and knows his way around the poetry of erogenous zones. However, like me, he likes to get credit for his harebrained schemes, and this package contained no note. I’d say 15% chance it was him.

3. Salem Suber – He has the means, the energy, the love of good clean testicles, and excellent follow-through. Like me, he’s quite attached to his products (he introduced me to Paul Mitchell’s The Conditioner, as well as Clinique’s 3½ Scruffing Lotion) and his brand of A.D.D. would certainly have propelled him through the online ordering process.

He does take care of hundreds of people at the most grand retirement community in North Carolina, and has an awesome 10-year-old with the requisite 10-year-old needs. Does he have time to engage in such silliness? My gut says yes: 75%.


4. Sean Williams – My brother would really like this product. In fact, I think I’m going to get it for him as a stocking stuffer, except I’ll do it in August (when it’s most needed). But with Barnaby and Marlena crawling in his hair? No way he sent it… 10% chance.


5. Jon, Chip or the Budster – No, the only thing the Four Guys Not Named Biff give each other long-distance is a Learnin’-Gram. Ask them what it is.

6. A Random Blog Reader – Due to the very public nature of this blog (and its longevity), I have received some wonderfully anonymous gifts over the years, little tchotchkes related to an entry with naught but an enticing postmark. I have some of the most electrifyingly random T-shirts, little drams of Scotch, even some books that have turned out to be cracking good.

But the gonadular specificity of this gift would be far too coincidental. Chances it was a random lob to the noots? Low… 15%.

Here’s one thing all of you should know, however. As a product, this stuff is COMPLETELY AWESOME.

0 thoughts on “not-so-fresh no more

  1. karl

    Aluminum free? Not bad. The challenge in proper testicular care has always been finding a natural and safe solution. Generally speaking, I don’t really do organic. I am happy and (dare I say) eager to make an exception for my balls.

  2. Caroline

    OK, a few things: don’t your percentages need to add up to 100%? Hi to Jamie Block. And I still love Scott Bullock!

  3. Salem

    I just couldn’t resist. When I think of comfortable balls, I just think of you……and in almost the same order, the cast of characters above. Sorry they didn’t have a gift card.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *