please wave your UV wand and make it disappear


There’s a point at which a “phase” lasts so long that it becomes part of your actual personality, and I think I’ve reached that point with the relationship I’m having with my body.

I’ve been doing everything right, I really have, but since my sinus surgery in May, and ensuing body implosion, something just ain’t goddamn workin’ when it comes to my immune system. It feels like every time I get well, I start to exercise, and that releases some kind of demon in my bloodstream.

Like my body is saying “OH NO YOU FUCKING DON’T, YOU TWAT, YOU’RE GOING BACK TO BED FOR TWO DAYS.” Finally I went to the Lord Supreme Allergist of Beverly Hills yesterday, and they drew 16 gallons of blood from my arm, swabbed my larynx with those alien Q-Tips, then did the “prick test” up and down my back for allergens.

Lying on that wax paper, while little pin-pricks of pain shot down my spine, I was reminded of the last time I’d reached such a place: New York in early 2001, when I was getting acupuncture. The same thought saturated my head: how did I get here? What is so fundamentally screwed up? At least this time I didn’t break down in tears; being a parent toughens up your solipsism.


this little fucker may be one culprit

On a more immediate level, my throat has been in searing, almost unbearable pain for seven months. Some days it’s not terrible, other days I can’t swallow and can’t talk. It has been very, very bad this week.

Tessa says that I’m butting heads with some limitations of Western medicine, and while that may be true, the medicines of other hemispheres weren’t helping either. Another possible culprit is thrush, a candida-like yeast issue that can take over certain ecosystems of your body when you’ve had as many antibiotics as I have.

I’ll gargle with the radioactive stuff, and take some virile probiotics. And keep trying to play basketball, ride bikes with Lucy, and pretend it doesn’t feel like white-hot iron ore in my throat when I swallow. Because I may be a foul-mouthed, scorched-earth depressive, but I always assume I’m a day away from redemption.


10 thoughts on “please wave your UV wand and make it disappear

  1. Caroline

    I too, am allergic to dust mites in a major way. Bed covers and an air filter plus scalding the sheets 1x a week can help a lot! Sorry you’re feeling so poorly!

  2. Emma's big sis

    Ian, I own a mattress store and would be happy to send you a mattress protector that helps with dust mites. You wash it every time you wash your sheets and it washes the allergens away and keeps them off your mattress. It’s like gortex and breathes. It’s not like a crib sheet and is very neutral. If interested, let me know and I’ll ship it out.

  3. Ian

    Emma’s big sis, if I’d only written this a day earlier! We just ordered those covers yesterday, but we may need more, so I will contact you!

  4. Emma's big sis

    I would also recommend a latex pillow. They feel wonderful and latex is a hostile envoronment for dust mites. If you let me know what kind of pillow you like (soft, firm, hi, lo) I’ll send you one. My gift for many years of entertainment. If that helps, you should consider a latex mattress, but try the pillow first.

  5. Elizabeth

    If you have thrush, instead of trusting the probiatics, I’d suggest eating lots of good, quality plain yogurt, like Stonyfield. Worked for me.


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