I got some sobering news today on the state of my health: extensive bloodwork showed several things that suggest I am involved in a dance that I can’t do for much longer. Maybe one is not supposed to talk about such things publically, given that health insurance companies remain evil, but as a quick perusal of these pages prove, I’m not winning a Senate seat either.
Put bluntly, my cholesterol numbers are bad, and I’m pre-diabetic. And apparently those things together are a real disaster in the making if you’re not careful; they call it ischemic heart disease, but you can call it a run-of-the-mill bullshit heart attack.
I mention this because, well, you should all get tested to see if there’s anything lurking in your biodynamic, and also because I believe there’s a certain sunlight-disinfection in saying things like this publically. You can deny anything you want, you can live as if you don’t have a stake in the game, but the one thing you can never say is that you weren’t warned.
It’s also just another puncture in my bubble of entitlement and exceptionalism – after all, I may have been miserable and suffering from gout and getting strep throat every three months, but all of MY tests for anything WORRISOME always came back NEGATIVE. I was going to eat Sour Gummi Worms FOREVER, because I was this ageless man-child who got to do whatever the fuck he wanted.
Any time you can kneecap those self-defining myths about yourself, you have the opportunity for growth, because the alternative is unacceptable. Besides, I told Tessa that we will die like Admiral Nimitz and his wife: commit suicide together when we’re good and ready. And I can’t disappoint her, she gets really pissed off.
So now it’s no more desserts; I have to throw away my gum; I run harder and faster; I go back on the Niacin, Vitamin D and Omega 3s; and I hope I don’t have the kind of genetic horseshit that means going on a statin and carrying around packets of goddamn Splenda.
Plenty of people have it much worse than I ever will. Many of you have been dealing with things that makes this seem like a bad haircut. One of my fraternity brothers, Dan Wheeless, a great friend of many in our extended community, just passed away from an epileptic seizure this weekend. There’s nothing interesting about these afflictions, but the day you find out about them hits you upside the head just the same.