I’m suffering from a bit of post-partum depression from the end of our show, you know, the usual when-shall-we-all-meet-again despondency that accompanies every theater closing since junior high school. And 99% of you didn’t even see the production, so you’re bored already, but just for my own edification, I’m going to post my favorite quotes from each of the seven shows of the evening. The writers were all fabulous folks, and I learned something important from each piece. I feel proud to have shared the bill with these guys.
“TwoFold” by Tessa my darling wife
LAUREL: I know you are older, but do you have to do *everything* first?
ELIZA: Me? You made out with a boy first, you made out with a girl first, and you even made out with Mr. Marshall first.
LAUREL: You kissed Mr. Marshall? But you said he was a “pernicious misogynist prick.”
ELIZA: That’s what made him so sexy. Besides, you only like Howard because you aren’t sure if he likes you!
LAUREL: Well, you only slept with him because you need affirmation but you’re terrified of commitment!
ELIZA: Like the REST of the human race!
“Employed” by Andy Bobrow
(describing how he got a girl)
CHRIS: You know, I pulled the old “my child’s been kidnapped and I’ll do anything to get him back” routine.
MICHAEL: Okay, that is NOT a known routine.
CHRIS: Hello? “Ransom”? Mel Gibson? You know, Michael, you would do a lot better with the ladies if you were only willing to betray their trust.
“The Lamb” by Sharr White
GARRETH: -your heart isn’t in it anymore.
FRANK: What do you care about my heart?
GARRETH: How would you like to be killed by somebody who could go either way about it?
“A Boy Named Sue” by Ben Kull
SUE: I think I finally understand Mom’s plan.
ROBIN: Mom had a plan?
SUE: You know, how she named me Sue to toughen me up, like the Johnny Cash song.
ROBIN: Sue, I hate to burst your bubble, but the woman who put a flower in the barrel of my water pistol – in protest – did not want to toughen you up. I was there. She was going to name you “Steve,” but when you came out, you just looked like a “Sue.”
SUE: I could have been named STEVE?
“Dirtbags” by Matt Boren
KATE: Didn’t you sleep with her at prom?
SCOTT: No, that’s the girl I TOOK to prom. Why? Because YOU BROKE UP WITH ME!
KATE: That was only for a week.
SCOTT: How was I supposed to know it was only gonna be for a week?
KATE: Because it was high school, Scott, EVERYBODY broke up for a week!
SCOTT: Okay, how about that Harvard loser YOU took to prom?
KATE: He was smart.
MISSY: He was *wicked* smart.
SCOTT: He was SMART? That’s your defense?
KATE: There is a big difference between Preston Pacardi, I guy I went out with *once*, and Meg Tivnen, who we grew up with!
SCOTT: Wait, you remember his name?
KATE: You remember HER name.
SCOTT: We ALL remember Meg, Kate! WE GREW UP WITH HER!
“Welcome to Normal” by Josh Ben Friedman
GOOGIE: I’m well aware of the protocol. I’m the sheriff. I don’t need anyone telling me the protocol. And nobody – protocol or no protocol – is going to be questioning my son! He has an alibi… me, the sheriff! Sitting at home, watching reality TV shows starring midgets!
“The Last American Liberal” by your most humble host
JANIE: Okay, how did the “liberals” screw things up?
RICHARD: Okay, take same-sex marriages. Personally, I think they’re pointless, but if they do it in Massachusetts, they might as well do it here. So we get the bill all the way to the State Senate, and then those people had to have their GAY PRIDE parade downtown!
RICHARD: So? So everyone in Maine, from Caribou on down, sees these guys – they’re dressed as Dorothy from Oz, with… with…
CARLA: Roach clips.
RICHARD: Roach clips through their nipples! And they’re dancing on top of fire engines! Next thing you know, every farmer in Penobscot County thought that Gays were going to make BUTT SEX part of the Presidential Physical Fitness Test!
cast of “The Last American Liberal”