Dear Republican Party,
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CITY!!!
Sorry. Let me start over.
I came to New York for the exact same reasons people did it in 1888 – it was the only place I could possibly have the freedom to be what I wanted to be. I took a room in the East Village, lived in a shoebox with the illustrious Lars Lucier and tried to start my life over. I’d had a disastrous time where I’d come from, and knew that New York was the sole point on Earth where my past didn’t matter.
It was hot, the subway at 8am was demoralizing, and I was doing the kind of work I swore I’d never do. I also sustained a back injury that put me on crutches and a cane for two months. Note to single men: having a cane does NOT make girls feel sorry for you in a sexy Florence Nightingale sort of way – they avoid you as though you were a leper.
Anyway. My first week in the city, I was asked to write a play that went up on Bleecker Street and gave me the courage to write again after three solid years of humiliation. I began to understand New York as a town where you were lauded for intellect, could use words like “hegemony” without being made fun of, could have love handles and not give a shit, and eat the best pizza on earth at three in the morning.
No other town could house a spirit like Gill Holland, no city would satisfy the cultural ache of Dana and Lindsay, no other place could give succor to the talents of Virginia Heffernan and Nell Casey, and there is no other borough big enough to yoke the explosive energy of my then-wife-to-be Tessa.
On my 29th birthday, I did drugs off the tummy of a friend in the East Village, and went to the Museum of Natural History the next day. It is a town that accepts anything, purges everything, and is the success of the Great American Experiment. It is without judgment and is the last place many of us can go to find love and not be afraid.
In short, it is everything you are not.
We are truly living in shame-free times, an era without compunction, when you dared to have your National Convention here. Your administrations armed the muhajadeen, then ignored years of intelligence that told you Islamic militants were determined to strike our financial centers with planes. When our towers fell, you came down – THREE DAYS LATER if I remember correctly – and got on the bullhorn.
You disregarded the signs we put up in Union Square: “Our tears of grief are not cries for war.” You attacked Afghanistan (fine, we guessed) but then attacked Iraq, thus insuring we’d never be safe again when we crossed the Brooklyn Bridge. Then you cut anti-terror funding for our city – why? Because nobody in this place would ever vote for you? Why would you give fucking Wyoming $38.31 per person for terror funding, and leave the guy sweeping the floor at the NY Stock Exchange $5.47? HOW COULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS TO US?
Then, to dare put Ground Zero in your re-election campaign, when you fought tooth and nail AGAINST a commission to find out who was to blame… only to have a luke-cold response to their findings? Your henchmen have now dismissed the 9/11 widows as hysterical witches; if only you could understand HALF their misery, you cruel fucks.
Now you have chosen New York as your convention site, so you can play politics with the charred corpses of 3,000 office workers, 4 out 5 of which would never have voted for you. You hate gay people with a biblically-fueled intensity, yet you have placed your party nineteen blocks from Chelsea, home of the most thriving gay population in America. The Democrats didn’t have their convention in Mobile, Alabama – why are you here?
Your cynicism and low-rent Machiavellianism slither so close to the ground that it’s almost hard to see when you’ve hit a new low, but coming here to capitalize on the worst thing that ever happened to a city you actually hate is utterly shameful. I’m not following the rules; I’m not going to play nice with you. You are not welcome here. You can call me crazy or unhinged or batshit or whatever you want. But you don’t get New York City, even for four days.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CITY!!!