Monthly Archives: September 2008

me vote pretty one day

9/14/08

Lemme see if I got this straight.

In 2000, we said George W. Bush was ethically-bankrupt liar who would be a disastrous President. We were right, and you were wrong.

As the protests against his illegal ascension to the White House thinned, we were told to stop being “sore losers” and that everyone had “Clinton fatigue” anyway. My wife screamed to a sparse crowd in Times Square “BUT SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN WHILE HE’S PRESIDENT!” She was right, and you were wrong.

In the lead-up to the Iraq War, we did everything we could to stop it. Many of us believed there were no weapons of mass destruction. We said it was the stupidest war at the stupidest time in history. We were right, you were wrong.

We said that our job in Afghanistan was completely unfinished, and that the Taliban would come back. You, however, fought to redouble our efforts in Iraq. We were right, you were dead wrong.

We begged everyone not to vote for Bush again. We said that he was a miserable failure and that his worst was yet to come. You chose to believe lies about the military record of the Democratic nominee, then made Bush our president again. We were right, you were wrong.

We bemoaned a non-functioning government where plum positions were given to old cronies who passed an ideological test. You didn’t care. Then a hurricane came and almost wiped away a major American city while those same cronies did nothing. We were right and you were wrong.

We told you that laissez-faire economics doesn’t work. We told you that corporations have no compunction and need to be regulated for our own good and their own good. You then brought us to the greatest meltdown in modern Capitalist history. We were right, you were wrong.

Now you’ve got a nominee for President who has utterly lost his moorings and has no discernable economic or military plan that is any different from his predecessor. A heartbeat away, you’ve nominated a Vice President who is criminally unprepared for office, and has shown the benchmarks of being a mean-spirited, revengeful twit who is impervious to facts. Listen up: WE ARE TELLING YOU THAT THEY ARE GOING TO BE ANOTHER DISASTER.

On almost every issue, our record – that is, the record of progressives – has been vindicated as truth. Nobody likes sour grapes, or someone who says “I told you so,” but you know what? Suck my fucking balls. This is our country too, and we’re correct so often that we might as well open up a line of Tarot Card Kiosks and JUST STATE THE OBVIOUS.

So I gotta ask… how the fuck do you do it? How do you convince people to make the wrong choice again, and again, and again? You con people into voting against their economic self-interests, you convince Southern families to offer their kids as cannon fodder for a useless war, and you make Americans vote for nominees that make the rest of the world cringe with fear, rage and embarrassment.

Seriously, what’s your trick? Ticklin’ the prostate?

old diaries wistfully reread

9/11/08

Just watched the mighty Heels dismantle the Scarlet Knights of Rutgers (game played only a few blocks from the Budster!) and the long undulations of a football game allowed my mind to wander for a while… to today’s CODE WORD question.

I used to have a theory that the measure of a man – and a woman – could occasionally be measured by their ability to stay friends with the people they once dated. Obviously, it’s been eight years (almost to the day) since I stopped dating anyone except my superheroine better half, but there was a time when I was pretty good at morphing the romantic part into a long-term friendship.

It could be said I massively screwed that up a couple of times, one in particular (and you know who you are!) but even that tide has turned due to the tincture of time. My question is this: do you remain friends with old girlfriends or boyfriends? SHOULD you do so? And is there somebody out there, someone you dated, that nags your conscience? As always, you can be anonymous…

flesh you so fancifully fry

9/10/08

Just when you think they couldn’t sink any lower, the Republicans have come out with an ad saying that Obama’s one accomplishment in education was sponsoring a bill to teach sex education to 5-year-olds. It’s accompanied by leering photos of Obama himself, a juxtaposition meant to imply that he secretly lusts after kindergartners. Go see it for yourself if you don’t believe me – I’m not linking to that bile.

Combine that with the “9/11 Tribute Video” shown at the Republican National Convention, and you’ve got a group of people who have taken out their moral compass and urinated on it. These assholes don’t believe in America, they only believe in Americans that vote Republican. They have planted a GOP flag atop the charred remains of 2,700 of my fellow New Yorkers, and on behalf those of us who were actually there, I’d like to cordially tell them to eat shit and die.

I used to have a grudging respect for John McCain, even openly thought his top-secret plan to run with John Kerry in 2004 was a good one (shit, the only running mate scarier than Lieberman is Sarah Palin) but this is it. I don’t care how long he sat in a goddamn prison forty years ago; the man is ethically unfit to hold the Presidency and is a sick fuck to boot.

So, you might think, what is there to do besides write profanity-laced tirades on the internet? Get out there and change some minds if you can. Last election we went to Reading, PA and worked for Election Protection, a non-partisan group that helps poor people, the disadvantaged, and those with language barriers at the voting booth. Oh, and we also kept certain political parties from attempting shenanigans designed to scare brown people away.

Which is all well and good, but we’re planning a search-and-illuminate mission somewhere well before Election Day. Until then, however, there’s always money. And so, I’ve made another T-shirt with this graphic on the front:

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it’s available as a fitted tee, a cool women’s cap-sleeve baseball style T, and the nice light colors shirt

They’re over at CafePress, marked up $2 per shirt – not only will that $2 go straight to the Obama campaign, but I’ll personally match $3 to every shirt sold. Thus every time you get a shirt, $5 goes to Obama. That’s true for the “Road to Nowhere” shirts, and also the “Krzithead” shirts, cuz those are awesome too (and Dean Smith would have tacitly approved).

If anyone else has any ideas, send them along. Cute or profane submissions accepted!

you were a tender and callow fellow

9/8/08

We interrupt our Nobody’s Ever Changin’ Their Mind About Nothin’-Fest™ for some pics requested by various family members, of the current goings-on in our late summer’s end. In no particular order, I grabbed these:

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Lucy enters birthday party, stares longingly at inflatable trampoline tent

 

 

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seconds later

 

 

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Sean and I golfed in Myrtle Beach, SC last weekend – Lucy picked my shirt color

 

 

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Jordana, Barnaby and Sean contemplate the ferris wheel in South Carolina as the rain begins

 

 

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Lauren and I during the gig at Molly Malone’s

 

 

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my dad introduces the cellist at the Grove in Sonoma County

 

 

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Sean, Tessa, Michelle and me at dad’s birthday picnic

 

 

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Lucy practicing her “insouciant lounge” for later career as a teen

Are you undecided?

Steve, here, Ian’s big brother and webmaster. Ian’s in Napa for the day and asked me to ask you readers to start a brilliant topic.

I’ll start: Last night, the News Hour covered poll numbers that claim the presidential campaign is quite close, but with a large number of undecided voters, anywhere from six to fifteen percent of likely voters. That surprises me, because the two major tickets are so different in personality and policy.

Why are so many voters undecided so late in the campaign? What do they need to see or hear to make a choice?

1 nation, indivisible, except by 0

9/7/08

First off, I was asked by several readers to post a link to Anne Kilkenny’s letter about Sarah Palin, since it adds more to the picture: Ms. Kilkenny was in Wasilla with Palin since the very beginning, and it’s about the most reasoned, temperate and well-written document you’ll find, should you still be sitting on the fence.

And while I’m in the mood for such temperate forbearance, I’d like to take some of the complaints about McCain/Palin and explain why they’re total bullshit. No, I haven’t gone soft – I just think the following items are fairly ludicrous:

McCain shouldn’t be President because he needs his staff to tell him how many houses he has.

It was impossible not to love this one, since it played so well into the Republican narrative, but honestly, this was meaningless. What McCain should have said was “Cindy and I have been very lucky in our investments and have a few properties that generate income for our family – Cindy generally takes care of that side of our finances, and I’ll have to get back to you about how many investments we have.”

Case closed. Sure, it makes them sound rich, but it plays more into the American Dream. Hell, we own a place we don’t live in, but the rental allows us to pay the mortgage and come back for great visits. But McCain screwed up his response and made it sound like he actually lives in seven houses and is too flush to know the frickin’ difference.

John McCain is filthy rich; but then again, so was John F. Kennedy and FDR, and they were fantastic presidents. The whole idea that our candidates have to know the price of milk – I dunno, I’ve always thought that was horseshit. I’d rather they be fixing the planet than shopping for beets at Safeway.

Sarah Palin should be taken off the Republican ticket because she used her power to fire the chief of police who wouldn’t fire her ex-brother-in-law.

At first glance, this seems like megalomaniacal bullshit from a revengeful queen, and yes, it probably was. However, the ex-brother-in-law in question is a fucking piece of work. He tasered his own 10-year-old stepson (on a dare, supposedly), was a excruciatingly rotten father who just finished his fourth marriage, threatened to kill Palin’s dad, and drank on the job.

She may have acted unethically, and she may be censured for it, but I have to say, if someone in my family behaved like that dude, I’d have to be talked out of bashing the motherfucker’s shins with a tire iron. Just sayin’.

John McCain shouldn’t be President because he’s too old.

If that’s the case, we should also take Justice John Paul Stevens off the Supreme Court, get Barney Frank out of Congress, and stop listening to my mom. In general, I’m an ageist when it comes to older people because of their seemingly-intransigent views on blacks, women and gays, but unless you’re Ronald Reagan and barely able to keep awake during war briefings, a President’s age shouldn’t matter.

The only scary part about a President McCain is the relative likelihood of his VP taking over the slot. Insert shudder emoticon.

John McCain cheated on his wife, Sarah Palin didn’t strap her baby into the car seat, she kills wolves from planes, his grin resembles a skeletal death mask, etc…

Look, any or all of these details may reveal that your candidate once was – or still is – an asshole, but none of them are dealbreakers to me. Sure, I like hearing ’em in the hopes that it contributes to their loss, but deep down, I know they are useless barometers for leading the country. Even Palin’s disheartening redneckism is anathema only to me and a few other snobs.

However, this I know: Sarah Palin wants to ban books. She wants to outlaw abortion even for rape and incest victims. She is an evangelist Pentecostal who believes Iraq is a holy war. She doesn’t believe man is responsible for global warming and wants Creationism taught in schools.

McCain is never going to get us out of Iraq and is likely to engage us in more war. He has no substantive environmental policy at a time when we have a decade to avert disaster. He has become virulently anti-choice. He has zero economic aptitude and no plan to get us out of recession other than the same tax cuts that have destroyed the middle class.

Just so we’re clear. Being a pinko, untrusting whiner, I’ll look for almost any reason to hate a Republican – but when pushed into sobriety, it’s really the simple things that remain most powerful.

horse needs a-floggin’

9/4/08

Before we wrap up the GOP’s Hate Week™ and move on to topics less contentious, let’s do two things: respond to conservatives who have made several statements in the comments section… AND, if you don’t mind, the legendary GFWD has made a request that all regular commenters and lurkers answer his little questionnaire at the bottom.

Right. So I’m going to put the various right-wingers’ statements in italics, and mine will be right after.

[re: my politics] “There’s a name for people who feel no guilt about something for which they should… some folks are so certain of their own righteousness and the other side’s inherent evilness, that they lose the ability to think straight… They are political sociopaths.”

I’m sorry, but this was too hilarious not to repeat. For a Bush voter to say this to me was… I dunno, kinda priceless.

“I disagree with this blog on most things political, but I always respected Ian as a decent person. Stooping so low as to attack minor children in order to make cheap political points is despicable.”

I write a personal blog and made it clear from the very outset that I was a big fucking asshole, and I also made it very clear that I have personal issues that lead me to find the Palin family… shall we say, unpalatable. But then again, I’m not running for the President of the United States, unlike your guy, who tells jokes about how ugly Chelsea Clinton was when she was thirteen.

“If Palin gets McCain elected, those who took the bait will have no one to blame but themselves.”

Um, no, we will have no one to blame except people mentally bankrupt enough to vote for John McCain because of Sarah Palin.

“If Palin is so bad- why all the fuss? Shouldn’t Democrats be rejoicing at this obvious and disastrous pick?”

No, because – through idiocy or shenanigans – she might actually win, and it’s each party’s responsibility to give us a worst-case scenario that isn’t completely insane.

“if I were a woman, I would be insulted at the suggestion that serving as VP would somehow take away from her ability to raise her children. This is the kind of glass ceiling bullshit that the left would never stand for if there were a ‘D’ after Palin’s name.”

I agree, actually. That’s true sexism.

“Snowmobiling and moose-hunting = redneck


Green indoor/outdoor carpet in the back of Clinton’s El Camino = perfectly acceptable”

No – green indoor/outdoor carpet in the back of your El Camino is also redneck.

“Palin’s state, 47th in population, is too small for her gubernatorial experience to matter


Howard Dean’s state, Vermont, 49th in population, is no problem”

Please. Howard Dean was a Yale and Einstein College Doctor of Medicine graduate who governed Vermont for 12 years (2nd longest in history), and in doing so, lowered income tax twice while balancing the budget eleven times and instituting a universal health care program for children. Palin is not fit to carry Dr. Dean’s lunch.

“Clinton gets a hummer in the Oval Office from an intern = it’s just sex, none of our business

Palin’s DAUGHTER gets knocked up = Palin is a rotten parent and will be a rotten VP”

No, not a rotten parent. A deeply hypocritical one.

“Clinton proudly works the system to avoid the draft = oh, come on, it’s Vietnam – everyone did it!

Dubya joins the Air National Guard and Dan Rather destroys his career trying to rat GWB out”

Clinton was against the war and made no bones about trying to avoid it. Bush pretends to join, then can’t be found for an entire year – gets his dad to fix the situation, then approves the Swift Boat attack on John Kerry, who actually risked his life for his country.

“HRC fires the entire White House travel office = power comes with the privilege

Palin fires a bureaucrat = scandalous!”

Hillary got in plenty of trouble for the travel office affair, and by the way, she was only First Lady. Sarah Palin is being considered for possibly running the country. Is that lost on you people?

“Dems sell nights in the Lincoln bedroom like it’s Marriott = no problem!

Palin steers some pork to Alaska = dirty rotten scoundrel!”

No, again, she’s just a lying hypocrite. She lied about her support of the Bridge to Nowhere, and then boasted she was leading the fight against earmarks, when there’s written proof in her own handwriting about clamoring for… earmarks.

“Dan Quayle, with only 12 years in Washington, is too inexperienced to be VP in 1988

Barack Obama, with only 1/3 the time in Washington as Quayle, is fully ready to be prez!”

Again, apples and oranges. Dan Quayle was a moron.

“After what Palin’s been through this last week I think she’s earned the right to hit back a little, and the jab at a community organizer was no worse than the way Obama denigrated small town mayors.”

Please show me one instance of Obama denigrating small-town mayors. Did you just make that up?

“where did [Palin] lie or utter a falsehood?”

Oh, where to begin. She lied about Obama’s accomplishments, she lied about his tax plan, she lied about the Ketchikan bridge, she lied about earmarks… her campaign even lied about Bristol’s pregnancy until it got too crazy.

“BHO was ‘community organizing’ with confessed domestic terrorists and felonious Syrian nationals.”

Yep, you got him. That sounds like a flawless description of Barack Obama’s post-graduate work. Man, you Republicans just can’t fathom actually going inside poor neighborhoods and helping people less privileged than yourselves, can you?

“Isn’t it just a teeny-weeny bit possible that Dems harbor a smidgen of fear that Palin could possibly conceivably occasionally perhaps on a good day resonate with some undecided voters?”

No, I think we harbor a hugey-wugey fear that Palin might end up running the country.

[re: the 2000 election] “You notice how Gore’s inability to win his own home state is never mentioned.”

It’s probably mentioned about as many times as the fact that Al Gore beat George Bush by half a million popular votes.

“Ian… your blog is always charged and buzzing, even though you could benefit from a few Sunday Masses and some time spent as a small businessman ;)”

Actually, I’ve always wanted to start a place that served awesome espresso, super-caffeinated tea, free wireless internet and confusingly-expensive muffins.

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AND NOW, YOUR REQUEST FROM MY ESTEEMED COLLEAGE, GFWD:

A plea: please detail (anonymously, if you must) an itemization of which specific factors are important to you and why you’re voting for a particular candidate. The only catch is that you should also identify the following:

1. Age

2. Marital status and number of kids

3. Straight or Gay

4. Who they voted for in the last election

5. State or region

Thanks!

tracy enid flick

9/3/08

Okay, a third blog in a row about politics. It’s going to be a political week on here, so if you don’t like it, there’s always Cute Overload. And thus…

The bar was set so low for Sarah Palin’s speech that she could have taken two giant dumps on the podium and been praised for not taking a third. She read the words on the teleprompter – written by George W. Bush’s speechwriter – with gusto, but offered nothing but tacky denigrations of Barack Obama’s character, along with a litany of complete and utter falsehoods.

The depths to which this shit has sunk… do the Republicans at this convention know they are a culmination of every asshole from 1980s teen movies? All the guys are James Spader from “Pretty in Pink”, and all the girls are Heather from “Heathers”. In fact, every time Sarah Palin opened her mouth, I was reminded of why J.D. kills the football players – “they had nothing to offer except date rapes and AIDS jokes.”

How fucking DARE she make fun of community organizers? They’re the only people left in America who help those who’ve been abandoned by everyone else, and to hear this horrible woman demean them for laughs… frankly, I couldn’t bear it. Besides her bizarre, psychosexual repetition of McCain’s time spent as a prisoner of war, Palin said nothing to inspire people upwards, only taunts, lies, and jokes fed to the convention hall like gazelle meat to rabid lions.

In a way, tonight was calming. Because truly, if McCain/Palin wins an election over Obama/Biden, this country is so fucked as to warrant abandonment. If this guttersniping, lying marionette and her twisted, ghoulishly-grinning mentor are the people America wants, then the debate is over, les jeux sont faits, we know not to care anymore.

It was one thing that Bush won in 2000 – the Supreme Court, a confusing ballot, and Katherine Harris’ purge lists made sure of that. It was another that he won in 2004 – thanks to America’s 9/11 hangover and cognitive dissonance. But after all we know now, after everything has come to light, and seeing what these Republicans represent? It will mean that the country finally got too hopeless to be worth saving. And for those of us who care so passionately, there will be relief in knowing that it’s over.

Yeah, yeah: I already hear the outcry. Of course there are some smart conservatives; many of them write on these pages. It’s not you I’m worried about, it’s the easily-duped well-meaning proletariats who have lost the ability – or desire – for critical thinking. And, of course, the drooling rednecks who are already chanting “don’t let the door hit yer ass on the way out, you fucking faggot!”

I tell you, that’s fine. Us elitists, you know, the ones with education, the ones that took an active interest in the world around us, the ones that flourished in the many-hued world of nuance and occasionally tried to make the world a better place – rather than hoarding as much as we could for ourselves and putting barbed wire and guns around it – We will opt out.

We might go to our own version of Coastopia, we might take our talents to another country. There will be a brain drain, the best and brightest fleeing to another place that doesn’t make them sick to their stomach. Young idealists will opt out of politics, and then opt out of helping America do anything, and then, perhaps, opt out of the whole tribal idea of America itself. Giggle if you must, if it makes you feel better. That’s cool. I could be wrong.

Speaking only for myself, then. If Sarah Palin and John McCain are elected to run the country, I’m more than happy to fuck off.

***

[UPDATE: VIDEO FOR YOUR PLEASURE (thanks, laffy!]

the palin drone

9/2/08

Okay, so my joke post was not appreciated by some of the commenters and a lot of you emailers. So let’s dispense with the horseplay, and I’ll tell you what I really think. Keep in mind that I am in no way affiliated with the Obama campaign other than voting for him – in fact, he says certain things are off-limits, but he’s a greater man than I am, and this is my blog. Admittedly, it’s a tiny lectern, but ’tis mine.

I wrote yesterday’s post because, like they say, we laugh to keep ourselves from crying. In reality, I find the Sarah Palin choice to be so dangerously simpleminded, so criminally stupid, so insulting to the intelligence of American voters that McCain and his entire party should be fucking ashamed.

How DARE they put this person so close to the leadership of this country – you’re telling me, in a world that has the possibility of loose nukes, economic collapse and the wanton subversion of the rule of law, that you’re going to put Sarah Palin one bad-fall-down-the-stairs away from leading the United States of America? I’m sorry, but please FUCK OFF.

That shows such disrespect to our Founding Fathers that I wouldn’t be surprised if the zombie skeletons of George Washington, James Monroe, and Alexander Hamilton crawled out of their graves in order to eat Karl Rove’s brain. Sarah Palin’s only executive experience before briefly governing our Least Populous State was being mayor of Wasilla, a town of 8400 people.

How many is 8400 people? Let’s use last season’s home Dook game as an example:

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Some GOP loyalists actually implied she has foreign policy experience because she lives so close to Russia – by that logic, Republicans should have no trouble getting LASIK surgery from somebody who lived very close to an opthamologist.

She – and the people around her – are so chunderheaded that they say things like “We’re proud of Bristol’s decision to have her baby and even prouder to become grandparents.” At the Republican convention, I heard a lady say “I think it shows real courage for Sarah to choose having a baby they knew had Down’s Syndrome.” Lost on all of these people are two words: “decision” and “choose”. If Sarah Palin had her way, ALL WOMEN WOULD HAVE NO CHOICE, AND NO DECISIONS.

My personal feelings are ugly and unsubstantiated. I feel like I knew families like the Palins. I grew up with them in Iowa and Utah. The press-on nails, the mall hair, the easy invocation of Jesus, the wrathful patriarchy. The eldest daughter, who has zero intention of listening to her mother, has sex with the local star hockey player, a hunk of mullet-headed meat whose MySpace page declares “I’m a fucking redneck”:

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other quotes: “I like… fucking chilling, I guess.” “Ya fuck with me, I’ll kick your ass” and “I don’t want kids.”

Yes, these are the guys that’d routinely beat the shit out of me at school, they’re the ones that make fun of faggots, they’re the ones banging on the plexiglass windows during the Florida recount in 2000. One can’t get too mad, though – this poor bastard Levi just underage-fucked his way into No More Fun With the Boys. No more “shooting the shit”, no more hockey: as soon as the election is over, he’s got an eternity of screaming babies, screaming wife and screaming grandparents hovering over him at the Applebee’s in Juneau.

Do I have baggage? Fuck right I do. We all do. But I’ve had it with wingnuts telling me what I’m not allowed to mention in public discourse after the way they have savaged progressives and their families over the last ten years. Do not ask me to provide specifics; I am not going to line ducks up for you to shoot.

So there you have it: a middling, C-minus pro-lifer who wants to put creationism back in the schools, and believes the Iraq war is a mission sent to our soldiers by God. Her stance on family reeks of the worst kind of hypocrisy, and until very recently, she had no idea what the Vice-President even does. If I were a woman still stinging from Hillary’s loss, I would tell John McCain’s campaign to EAT SHIT.

This is proof that the ruling class of Republicans don’t give a fucking fuck about America – this is just a game to them. Listen to them chortle at the convention about how the Sarah Palin choice got liberals in a tizzy. That’s because to them, it’s about the tizzy, not about America. It’s about confusing, obfuscating, triangulating and just plain bullshitting. It’s not about the country.

Fuck the whole lot of them. I have no desire to be a team player, I have no desire to be bi-partisan. I want Obama to win, and then I want to STICK IT to the other guys, keep twisting the knife until it hurts. I want them to be so thoroughly humiliated that their brand of thinking goes back into the Chest of Failed Ideas along with Stalinism, slavery and New Coke.

And yet, I do respect and am quite attached to the conservatives who comment here. All posts like these do is just bum all of you out. Which is why, when it comes to certain things, obviously a joke is much, much better.

and then the ghost dumpster delivers his witty catchphrase

9/1/08

Okay, that’s a good start for this pitch: a down-and-seemingly-out Presidential candidate is not only facing an election year drubbing because of a toxic incumbent, but he just got shellacked by a fabulous political convention held by the other side.

A hurricane forms in the Gulf – eerily on the exact same date as another hurricane did three years ago, a storm that exposed the current Administration as a bunch of witless, cruel morons. And as luck would have it, this new hurricane is due to make landfall the day HIS convention starts.

What to do? Something bizarre. Something unimaginable. Time to throw away the playbook and scream out an audible.

The solution gobsmacks him: pick a young, bizarrely-inexperienced woman for vice president who looks like the girl wearing glasses in Adam Ant’s “Goody Two Shoes” video. She’s against abortion even in cases of rape, she was a member of a party that wanted Alaska to secede from the Union, she’s a climate-change-denier, and she’s ALL WOMAN.

Stuns the political world.

But here’s the second act wrinkle: rumors are floating around that her 4-month-old child might not be hers. The rumors say it’s a child belonging to her underage daughter – after all, the daughter had “mono” for 6-8 months during the same time. Plus, when our woman’s “water broke”, she was in Texas… and had time to hop a plane to Seattle, then got on another plane to a tiny hospital in Alaska with very few witnesses?

Oh, it just seems so crazy. But the rumor is gathering steam. There’s only one thing for it: a TRUTH even MORE BIZARRE than the rumor. “Actually,” the VP pick says, her daughter is “ALREADY PREGNANT.” She’s five months long, conveniently one month longer than her baby’s current age.

Hypocrisy? Abstinence-only show to be bullshit? Sure, but they can weather it. In fact, it might even help. Maybe it revives the old guy’s campaign.

But here’s where our pitch gets good. It’s something I call the TMF – the Triple Mindfuck. Good political and psychological thrillers always have a twist at the end, but the great ones have two.

The daughter’s pregnancy isn’t real… but she continues the pantomime. She disappears from public view – again – occasionally resurfacing to show a larger belly under an undisclosed number of sweaters.

Another baby, given up for adoption just before the daughter’s fake due date, is found. She emerges on Christmas Day from the hospital with the new baby, marries her boyfriend, and the family – and country – is intact.

Think about it… the mother pretends to carry a baby that isn’t hers in order to cover for the daughter. The daughter pretends to carry a baby that isn’t hers in order to cover for the mother. It’s Shakespeare, but since it ends with babies and marriage, that makes it a comedy!

Whaddya think?