Relationships that are going to end badly, Case Study #887g
Part of our ongoing Public Service series from the editors at XTCIAN™
1. Sexy Bohemian Chick With Secrets – It begins with a lost weekend, a 36-hour falling-into-each-other that convinces you that there surely can be nobody else on Earth. Talking in bed three millimeters from each other, you reveal everything, and so does she, except for a few stories that trail off into vagueness. It ends with screams, invocations of the crazy thing that you never found out about, and she slips away to have the same lost weekend with someone else. Don’t worry, you will too.
2. Overly-Excited Prospective Boss – Years and years ago, after submitting my resumé over and over, I was called into the main office of the biggest movie trailer maker in Hollywood. The ads for their summer blockbuster were sucking, and the multi-billion head of the company was at wit’s end: “Fix this fucking thing,” he said to me.
I took home the movie, came back with twenty ideas for ads, and sat in the room while the studio heads read them silently. Finally, the main honcho looked up, peered into my eyes and said “we’re going to make you very, very rich.” I knew then and there it was time to look for another job.
We call this The Law of Inverse Enthusiasm: when you meet the person who fawns irrationally over your talents, you can either leave right then, or wait for it to fall apart on its own.
3. Honest Would-Be Boyfriend With Disclaimers – He says he is incapable of something real; he says he might be a little warped emotionally; he has never felt true love. Oh, but you’re the one who’s going to teach him, right? Certainly if he’s this honest, he’s capable of infinite change!
The next time a guy tells you he’s incapable of something real, that he’s warped emotionally, and has never felt true love – MOTHERFUCKING BELIEVE HIM!
5. The Brazen, Materialistic, Unapologetically Shallow Lady – Their chutzpah alone counts for a lot of sex appeal, and their “yeah I said it” brassiness may make sense for a world in which there’s a lot to want, but they long ago traded their good humor for some bad notions. On the internet dating sites, they specify an absolute minimum that potential boyfriends need to earn yearly, which might explain why they’re still on internet dating sites.
Once landed, it’s all cool as long as you remain exciting, but god forbid you hit a rough patch, because you won’t get home in time to see her bolt out the fuckin’ door.
6. Has to Be Funnier Than Anyone Else Guy – Starts off great, especially when you’re alone with him. He’s got a few good stories and at least he tries, but he always gets into a cockfight of anecdotal horseshit when placed in company with other people, especially those who are effortlessly humorous. His unnecessary rejoinders sink in quality as they become more desperate, and after a few weeks, you’re wondering why his momma didn’t pay more attention to him.
7. The One-Issue Assassin – Found a woman who’s perfect except for lockstep veganism? Found a guy who’s smart, but loses his fucking mind when he talks about Israel? Sure, tell yourself you can avoid the subject indefinitely, but there will come a night, perhaps after an offhand comment, when they will scream at you in the kitchen, telling you “YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND” and “HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY SEE THINGS FROM MY PERSPECTIVE” and then they’ll tell you to “GO FUCK OFF”. Which is precisely when you will feel the need to begin fucking off.
8. The Big Partz Haver – Somehow, it always comes back to the subject of her huge tits. No matter what happens, it’s back to the Big Cock. The Big Partz Haver has a bizarre confidence that exudes from within, an ace in the hole that rarely be beaten. She knows you’ll come back; they always do. He knows the stories about his genitalia will overshadow any acts of callousness; in fact, it might enhance them. Their partz hypnotize, they lull you into thinking you’re NOT thinking about them, but you know you are. You’re thinking about it right now. STOP IT!